Message intercept from the gamma quadrant

Pants Man strikes a pose

[Crackle…static] Hello? Is this thing on? Pants Man calling planet Earth. Pants Man calling planet Earth! Are you receiving me? [crackle…pop….static..] Calvin, turn up the elasticator to 11, this message must get through. We must [hiss….click….pop]..and get the message [crackle….hiss….click]..in time. Oh for the love of Pants, come on! Klein, try downgrading the transmographer on the y-front. [line clears] That’s it, brilliant!

People of Earth, the health of your men folk hangs on a precipice. We must act now to save their health and secure a brighter future for men of all ages. 

I come from a small planet in the Sloggi system called planet Pants. Many years ago, my people used to wear their pants underneath their clothes, just like you do now. They lived happily that way, until all the men were struck down by a mysterious illness called prostate disease.

Through research and education, our scientists worked out a way to beat prostate disease and managed to fight it off for good. Ever since, generation after generation of Panterians have worn their pants outside their clothes to ward off complacency and make sure all the men and women of planet Pants are aware of the signs and symptoms to watch out for so prostate disease never returns.

People of Earth, I come to you with this message: it’s time to act now and help save the health of men now and in the future! Join me and Prostate Action on 22 September 2012 in Battersea Park, London for a 5km fun run called Pants in the Park. Wear your pants on the outside of your clothes to raise awareness of prostate disease and help raise funds to beat this dreadful disease. 

I will be in contact again soon with more information about this terrific event. Until then earthlings, stay safe, and stay aware. Pants Man out.

 

Oh, one last thing. If any Americans are listening to this message, pants mean underwear. I don’t want all you guys and girls across the pond trying to wear your pants outside your pants, it could lead to circulation problems. PM